just stopping in.

so much work, so little time. 

the only thing that consoles me is the image of 80-something-year-old me sitting in a rocking chair on my front porch enjoying tacos and drinking out of a mason jar as a multitude of grandchildren play in the front lawn. I decided today that I'm going to work my behind off for the first half of my life so I can just chill the second half. painting, running marathons as an old lady, cooking, sitting, laughing, kayaking. it'll be the life. 

that's the only thing getting me through this work now. 

someday it'll all be worth it

right?

stand up for what we need to be

I know yall are tired of hearing about studio... but I opened my pandora, and this was the first song to play. It put things in perspective. This project, this moment, this phase in our lives will pass and then fade into insignificance. So insignificant yet so important. 

how crazzzzzy is that?

so today I'm taking my work on with joy. praise jesus that i am fortunate enough to be able to receive an education. What comes easy won't last long, and what lasts long won't come easy.

studio thoughts, my drug of choice

I can't get out of my mind

but then was I ever even here

what is the purpose of life

why do so many people die with others

yet die so alone.

who am I to say

that my mother loves me more than yours does 

or his or hers or theirs.

why do we care about 

the things that don't matter.

why do we place such a big

emphasis.

on things that are unimportant?

have we forgotten

what the purpose of life is?

I can't find it

can't get it out of my mind.

I thought I saw a glimpse of something

but I suppose curiousity did kill the Kat in the end

didn't it?

today has been a day of many thoughts. what is our purpose? why are we placed here? I've come to learn that the world is selfish and sometimes we get caught up in all of that and start to think that we are more important than others. This hurts my heart dearest readers. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else on this planet? We deserve nothing. So many people in this world suffer, how many because of me?

so today, dearest friends, let's challenge eachother to love. to just selflessly give to others and go out of our way to make every person we encounter feel important. cause i think that's the only thing that actually matters. but i'm still trying to figure that out.

late night studio thoughts on flaws

.the flaws.the imperfections.

today in architecture class, we had a discussion regarding craft and manufacture. handmade vs. machinery. imperfect, unique and individualized work vs. nearly perfect machine produced work. what is the difference? 

it got me thinking about life.

the imperfections

the flaws

A good friend once told me that the world was beautiful because it was flawed.

at first glance, it appears as such a seemingly backwards statement because of our continual efforts to reach perfection. 

but maybe it is those flaws, those imperfections that make life beautiful. those moments of weakness, those moments when we feel totally alone, those moments when we feel as though nothing is going our way. 

because that's all we get out of life, and those imperfections are ours to keep, ours to claim and hold dear. No one can take away those from us. Those imperfections make us who we are, just as it makes the handmade craft hold more meaning and individuality. 

then I thought of how imperfect a puzzle piece is on its own, yet how perfect it is when placed within the bigger picture. maybe this too applies to our own lives. When looked at alone, each moment in our lives is nothing but a jagged puzzle piece, nothing but imperfect. but when looking at the bigger picture, it combines with other experiences to make total sense. And maybe that's just all we get out of life. small puzzle pieces that we won't understand until we are reflecting back as we sway through old age in a rocking chair. 

...just a few thoughts as I make less than perfect models at 1:28 AM 

peace vs. comfort

I was recently thinking about peace and comfort. Both physically feel the same, but spout from very different circumstances. Peace is knowing that everything is settled, exactly how it is supposed to be. The whole world is at ease and it seems as though everything is just right. Comfort feels settling simply because it is known, familiar. Like peace, you are at ease in comfort, but comfort chokes our ability to grow, learn, and ultimately reach the true inner peace that comes with acknowledging and completing God's will. 

all my friends (and really anyone that talks to me) must really hate me right now. All I've been thinking about, talking about, and obsessing over is architecture. It's causing me to worry so much and causing me to ask myself so many questions. Do I want to be an architect? Why the heck did I choose this major? Is all of this work worth it? I'm absolutely sure many people have stumbled across these same questions. let's face it, architecture is a lot harder than I could have anticipated. And it's only the beginning of my sophomore year. 

I realize that I have a choice here, stay in architecture and suck it up, or change out and be a quitter. I find myself asking countless people if I should stay in architecture, just hoping they'd tell me that it was ok to change majors, that it wasn't quitting. I guess that's just what I'm looking for from God, my family, friends, anyone. It'd be so much easier if someone just told me "no kat, you aren't meant to make 25 models of folded paper until 3 in the morning." But it's not that easy. It's never that easy. And maybe that's why I need to stay in architecture, because it's not easy for a reason.

I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through this architecture education and honestly I've never seen myself as an architect. But then again, countless people before me made it out alright I guess. And shouldn't I trust that God put me here for a reason? Is even considering changing majors wrong? I should quiet the little monster that is screaming in my ear telling me that all this hard work will lead to unhappiness... But is that little monster screaming because the hard work isn't worth it, or because he's suddenly uncomfortable in this difficult environment? And that dear readers, takes time and discernment. 

So now I'm off to think and pray more, to search for that inner peace that comes from knowing that I'm really doing Gods will. but for the present moment I have a few models to do for tomorrow. 

I just don't have any motivation to do it. 

I literally can't bring myself to it.

laziness? or unhappiness?

whatever the case, I still have a ton of work to do.

ohhhh lordy.

tiger town bound in the morning

This summer has been just what I needed, and while leaving home is surprisingly just as bittersweet as leaving clemson, I'm so thankful that I am fortunate to live in two places that are both hard to leave. 

Leaving my family is almost harder this time around since we've grown so close, but I'm excited to be back at Clemson for this next exciting semester.

Until we meet again Baton Rouge, this summer has been real. 

time to get back to clemson! 

mhm

times are far too complicated these days.

be bold. be daring. be confident. 

favorite little brother {reaux bear}

Isn't my little brother just the cutest? 

facebook rehab

I'm ridiculous.

On this day, August 2, 2012, I deactivated my facebook. It isn't forever, but it's definitely for a little while. I needed a break. I am too dependent on it and need a little bit of a challenge anyway. Facebook has become more than addiction, it's become a dictator in my world. It's almost as if I've become it's slave without even knowing it. 

I once heard that if you put a frog into boiling hot water, he'll jump out immediately. However, if you put him in before it's hot and then slowly heat it to a boil, he'll stay in and end up dying from the heat. I think that it isn't too far off to compare facebook (or anything that gets in the way with our lives) to this. At first I didn't waste vast amounts of time on it. I barely used it. Then it slowly slowly slowly became a huge problem. and that's where I'm at today.

 I realized it was getting in the way of real life since I checked it at least 20 times a day. (only exaggerating a little there, it's bad). That's just pitiful dear readers, I know. I have too many distractions in my life and need to make room for some silence anyway. I'm ready to make peace with the present moment and open myself to new experiences. Dramatic, for sure, but it really has become a problem. So I'm acknowledging this and taking the steps to cure this unnecessary reliance to technology. When I finally did the deed I felt such inner peace. like crazy peace. peace that beauty queens everywhere seek for the world. More than just logging out, I was completely unconnected. I felt free, I felt like a modern day henry david thoreau, and more than anything I felt like a champ.

call me crazy, but I just don't want to waste all that time anymore. 

So I bid you adieu Facebook, I'll be back eventually

but for now, dearest friends, you'll just have to call me, beep me if ya wanna reach me

-kp  

the day I tried out for american idol

My family and I started watching American Idol when my mom went on bed rest before having my sweet youngest sister, ella. (She was on bed rest for like 4 months...late in life child probs...). It was one of the only family activities we could do since mom was bedridden. That season of American Idol, season 7, was when I decided to add "trying out for american idol" to my bucket list. I've always been a lofty dreamer. I never thought it'd actually happen, but I put it on there anyway. I mean how cool would that be??

So of course when my friend Kelsie found out that idol was coming to New Orleans, she said she would make me try out. I complacently agreed but still thought it'd actually never happen. 

We found ourselves travelling to New Orleans about a month later. After getting the arm bands and tickets, all of a sudden it hit me... it was really happening. We kept having bursts of excitement just thinking about it.

the next night we got a hotel and went out to eat on bourbon street. It was (handsdown) the BEST food I've ever eaten. shrimp, grits, fried green tomatoes. pulling out allll the stops

As we were coming back into the hotel, a man on the elevator asked about my red armband. So I reluctantly  told him I was trying out for American Idol. I knew what was coming next...  he asked me to sing for him. Figuring it'd be good practice for the next day, I agreed. After singing the first verse and chorus to "don't know why" by norah jones, he asked for my name and gave me his card (he was a lutheran reverend) and excitedly left thinking he'd met the next american idol. He promised prayers coming my way and I was grateful for having run into him. I mean hey, we can never have too many prayers!

After being giddy with excitement after getting my first fan (besides kelsie, katelyn, amy, blair, and our families of course) we fell asleep. but not for long. we woke up at approximately 3:45 AM and got ready to go. After getting in line at the crack of dawn, we waited. and waited. and waited.

 I overheard one woman on the phone saying "there has to be at least a million people here"... but I'm pretty sure there was only somewhere barely north of a thousand. It's amazing what camera angles can do. Seeing the real life event and the TV version of the same event really opened my eyes to show biz. We were informed when to scream/cheer/dance, and people were kicked out the crowd if they weren't enthusiastic enough. The whole time I was thinking, if people don't wanna cheer for Ryan Seacrest, he just must not be that cool... why do we have to be told to get excited? (sidenote-- ryan seacrest really is a tiny man, but he seems pretty nice). It was sort of like finding out your childhood hero was just a fictional character. Sort of a letdown.

so close I could touch him... by the way that is a very short woman

The strange people there almost made up for this let down though. Dearest readers, I could tell you about all of the crazies I saw at such a place, but I'm afraid I don't have all the time in the world. Such a strange group of people there (I guess I'm included in that group...) But I must tell you of a few of the notable characters.
However before I begin to try describing these interesting people, I must first describe the typical person at the tryout. Almost every person there had traveled far to finally fulfill their destiny and hit the stardom they were certainly born for. You could have talked to pretty much anyone there and been convinced you'd met the NEXT AMERICAN IDOL! this was serious business, people. And if you had the opportunity to talk to their fans (mom? dad?), you'd most certainly know just how talented that person was.

Too cool for school. The first odd bird we encountered was a super cool guy. he was wearing sunglasses at 5 am. The sun wasn't out yet, but it'd be far too mainstream to not wear his sunglasses right? hmmmm. Him and his male companion were playing guitar and sitting indian style in the middle of the crowd. If you had looked at them, you would have thought they were jamming loudly, but you couldn't even hear them at all. Maybe singing loudly was far too mainstream as well. who knows.
Sargent Loudmouth. The next source of entertainment (or frustration) came from an obnoxious man dressed in an army uniform. Contrary to what you see on tv, the crowd outside of american idol is actually  very quiet (besides the low hum of people practicing their songs). But this guy was nothing but quiet, he yelled and put in his two sense for everything. Definitely memorable. especially at such an early hour.
Voodoo Woman. As we were walking into the New Orleans arena (finally!!) I heard a daaaa da da daaa da da daaa coming from what sounded like a tribal drum. Sure enough, right in the middle of the crowd was a woman dressed in strange clothes wearing a big headdress. She was surrounded by her band of drummers and had a huge snake (not the friendly kind..) and was dancing with the snake. This might have been one of the strangest things I've seen in a while. However, I definitely didn't want to let on to that for fear of being put under some sort of voodoo spell.
Don't Forget the lyrics. This one poor guy completely forgot the words to his song. He was completely awkward and shy, and I can just see someone telling him he was a good singer for the sole purpose of humiliating him. However, he believed it, and he was there trying out his luck on idol. The judges sent him through for the cruel purpose of making fun of him. this just hurt my heart.
Shake your booty gurl. This girl was not afraid to shake what her momma gave her. She proudly danced her little heart out and shook what she owned basically in the faces of the judges. Of course she made it through as well
Tiger man. This man's whole face was a tiger. he even had pointed ears and whiskers and such. 'nuff said.
The next destiny's child. I encountered this particular group of girls right before I was called up to sing. The only reason I noticed them was because they let me go ahead of them, just so they could be together in line. It was interesting though because they had all just met each other that morning, but they were now all bff's. They all sang songs with lots of emotion and lots of ooooOOOoooOOOohhhh yeaaaaahhhhh's while the other three swayed in the background. When they all four got denied, they huddled together for support and stood strong as they saw their dreams fade away. At least they had each other, right?

me and the twins awaiting tryouts

When it was finally my turn to get called up to the judges, I tried my hardest to make eye contact and work some charm on them. I had been listening to the other singers all morning, I couldn't hold a candle to many of them so I knew I had to bank on my personality. After singing, they told me "Not this year, but keep singing cause you have a unique voice. You just need to practice singing in front of people" Which makes sense... since i've actually never really done that. (unless you count family jam sessions?)
I walked away smiling. I did so partly because I had a peaceful feeling of accomplishment (I had just crossed off a major item off my bucket list!!) but also because the camera man was filming me and I wanted to be shown on TV as the "Well many dreams were made today here at American Idol, but many weren't so lucky que dramatic music" part of the show. my fifteen seconds of fame!!! or less... hey it's better than none.
But anyway, I was smiling not only because I had just done a pretty courageous thing that I've wanted to do for a while, but I also had a ton of fun.
At the beginning of the day Ryan Seacret told us, "there are no losers in idol". I believe this is true not only for idol but for life. While there were certainly a large number of weirdos (including myself) in that crowd, everyone has something to bring to the table. As my friend says all the time, "There's something beautiful about every single person." Cheesy, but definitely true. And I have to say a whole arena filled with courageous people taking a chance on their dreams is not only entertaining (as seen above), but it's actually pretty beautiful.
I'm so thankful my friends pushed me to try out. hey I might have met THE NEXT {dramatic pause}AMERICAN IDOL
fingers crossed

being content in not knowing

funny how we all have a plan for our lives, even as young children

So much of life is an unknown. Right now in my life I feel like the fact that there are unknowns is much more concrete than anything that is actually known. (if that even makes sense) This is invigorating but at times can also come as a struggle. Where am I going with my life? What is God's will for me? 

I wouldn't bet your bottom dollar on solid answers to those questions dear readers, simply because they don't exist yet. That's the thing about unknowns. It's the split moment before the pitcher releases that baseball and you can feel the potential at its peak. It's that time when there are more possibilities than you can count. Literally anything can happen. But if you get excited and swing at just any ball that comes your way, you risk ruining that very potential, wasting it. On the other hand, if you wait out too long, you'll just miss out on every single possibility given to you. So now, will we settle for what is convenient? for what is right now? or will we hold out, endure a little suffering on the front end and break into that untapped potential of our unknowns? I think it's ultimately about trusting God's timing, and not our own. This, dear readers, is why I am content with the unknowns for now at least. Maybe God doesn't want us to know right now, I guess that's what faith is. that's pretty hard. really hard.

God probably looks down on me (and all of humanity) and just shakes his head and thinks goodness, why does it take them so long to figure these things out? don't they know I've got it under control!? 

we are such a foolish species. and to think of all the people that said this exact same thing countless times before me. 

sometimes, it amazes me to think about just how small we actually are.

that's exactly why we've just got to let go and trust the man with the plan

bear with these thoughts for a moment

Today was stressful. I've been working on the website for the company and nothing seemed to go right. Then we got bunches of mail to sort through, the scanner wouldn't work, and the paper kept jamming in the copier. These all seem so small, but combined it just made for one of those days (plus it didn't help that I had a headache). The day continued with regular monotony as I got home and prepared dinner. Later that night Ella came screaming/crying holding her hands out towards me. I cradled her in my arms and tried to comfort her. After she calmed down a bit I asked, "Ella what's bothering you?" In between muffled sobs she finally said "Mommy won't let me play with the ipad"... wait what? This four year old child, my own sister, was violently crying about not being able to play around with an ipad? This just disappoints me and goes further to support the theory of humanity's addiction to technology. It made me contemplate the idea of being content. Ella lacked contentment because she was denied the ipad. While this is common for a four year old to get upset about being denied a toy, it made me think. What does it take to find peace with what we are, what we have, even what we are doing at the present moment? I just don't understand. Where do we find contentment? Why do we feel the need to text while we drive rather than simply be content with driving? Why do we feel the need to be constantly stimulated? Why must there always be action? why can't we find peace with sitting in silence and taking in the present situation just as it is? 

This brings me back to this previous post, and makes me wonder if we will ever simply be content with our lives without all the bells, whistles, thrills, and frills. (bear with me a bit longer dear readers, these thoughts make me go on rants)

Even at lunch today, I experienced something of this sort. I felt ravenous before lunch. I scarfed down my red beans and rice and sausage as soon as I got it. I finished and still felt hungry. I kept eating. But if I had stopped and been content with the serving of red beans and rice, I would have noticed that I actually was not hungry anymore. Maybe this hunger goes deeper, dearest readers. Maybe this hunger is actually an inner calling for us to reach out and find who we were meant to be by alternatively being content with who we are in the moment. 

And I'm afraid I only know one way to satisfy this hunger, this lack of contentment. Scratch that, I'm excited not afraid. Because life is so much more, and when you notice that, there's no way you couldn't be content.

i mean how do we (myself included) not find contentment with this grand adventure we call life??

so dear friends, 

lets challenge each other to satisfy that hunger

and quench the thirst.

flowers and such

We are so lucky for the beauty all around us now. And just think, heaven is so much more beautiful!! I can't even grasp it. Have a wonderful day my friends.

thoughts on social networking and missing out on life

ironically, the first thing I read this morning

Social networking is so senseless. We spend so much time perfecting our image online to make sure we appear exactly how we want others to see us. I've always been a slave to the internet. I can't break this habit and even though I know it leaves me wanting more, feeling hopeless and useless, and makes me constantly compare myself to others, I can't seem to shake it. I wish I had the power to delete my facebook, twitter, blog, pinterest, or instagram. but I can't. It's got a strong hold on me, and I realize this might be holding me back. Isn't it crazy how something that was supposed to push us forward into the age of technology is actually pushing us back. I've felt as though the amount of real moments and meaningful relationships are far less but seem to be far more only because we can tweak exactly how we want to appear. All of this focus on our own image leaves us selfish. Selfishness leaves us empty. When we are empty, we have no love to share with others. This poison is threatening to kill us. It's time to put the phone down, log off of the internet, and tune into our lives. Because death is a little more serious than a crashing computer, and you can't recover your life as you'd recover lost files. I just wish I could tell this to myself.

Ok that rant was a little harsh... but let me explain to you dearest readers why I've attacked this subject with such fire at this particular moment (ironically on a social networking site..). First off, last night before going to sleep I felt so sad. I felt like I fell in a deep pit and that no one liked me. I felt discontent. empty. selfish. not good enough. Gentle tears lulled me to sleep. 

I fell into a deep sleep and had a strange, strange dream. You see, I dreamed that I had fungus growing from my legs, and every time I would break them off, they'd grow back. I read up and studied so I could try to diagnose and cure myself, and when that had no luck, I finally decided to go to the doctor. The doctors of my dream were perplexed by my situation. They told me that these everlasting fungi were either an indication that I had cancer or they were protecting me from getting cancer.  Either killing me or saving me, but they could not tell. I woke up feeling so strange and perplexed. I immediately told my mom, among others about the dream and thought about it all day today. Could this represent a negative energy in my life? a bad habit? Something that I think is good and wonderful in my life but is actually killing me slowly? now that's something to think about, which I did... all day today at work.

ella and I with our magical hats

Then I came home from work and mom and I decided to go shopping with Ella. She wanted to buy absolutely everything in the store. So mom assigned me to distract her from the fluffly pink tiarras and pretty dolls in the toy aisle. We soon made marshall's our jungle, finding magic potions and slaying dragons all while making sure to not wake the chair lions and pillow sharks present in the store. It was absolutely so much fun, and ella enjoyed it so much she forgot about the toys she had thought she couldn't live without only minutes before. People in the store looked at us with wonder at why we were pretending inanimate objects were fully functioning and life-like, but it was even more fun to make them wonder at our own wonder.

Now that got me thinking. I didn't have my phone with me for that moment. If I had had access to the internet, to facebook, instagram, texting, anything... how much would I have missed? how much of life have I already missed? 

this saddens me dear readers, and is the reason why I frown at my addiction. 

thoughts of a young adventurer

I saw this flower in my neighborhood. crazyyyy! looks like something straight out of a child's imagination

I remember lying in bed as a child just letting my thoughts wander like an American hitchhiking through Europe. I so vividly remember just lying there in bed, my sister fast asleep in the bed next to me, and feeling terrible  for "lying" to my mother about being asleep (I confessed to  her later... I was deathly afraid of authority and followed rules to a tee as a child. I can just imagine my mother laughing at her 5 year old confessing such a thing) 

I would think about all sorts of things. I would think about all the impossibly improbable "what-if's". On many occasions, I convinced myself that there were alien men sneaking outside my window with secret guns that could tell if people were in a house with their special breath detecting devices. I would hold my breath until the aliens were surely gone after their guns failed to detect my existence. 

I would also imagine myself locked in a cage of angels whenever I was scared of kidnappers, monsters, or whatever creatures my imagination would brew up (that all coincidentally lived under my bed). 

Most of all, I remember one thought that has continued to perplex me throughout my life. As a young child, I would sit and wonder about this one thought for hours. Now let me enlighten you to this thought dear readers. So here it is, my unadulterated innocent contemplations as a young child...

So in life, we all have options... soooo many options. For instance, if you don't like playing baseball, you can play basketball. If you don't like wearing the color blue, you can wear pink. If you don't like peas, you can eat carrots. But then it occurred to me, that in this world all we can do is live and then die. There is no other option. You must do it in that order too. There is no other option besides this life and then once we are done living, to expire with death. This thought perplexed me because we can't even imagine doing something besides live and then die (and then hopefully go on to heaven) simply because no other option exists. I used to think about this as I was lying in bed and wonder how no one else could be concerned with this concept. From what I could see, everyone had accepted this fact and never was even concerned with the smallness of our existence. We were nothing. How could we place such importance on such a transitional existence. But then again, how could we not, when we have no other option?

So now you see dear readers why I had to lie to my mother about being asleep. I had way too much thinking to do.

a quote & a smile

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all" -Helen Keller

ramblings about home.

Being home has been so weird. It's not because I don't love Baton Rouge. I absolutely adore this place, it's where I grew up and where I call home. The best way I'd be able to describe it is to say it's just as if I'm trying to fit into clothes that aren't my size anymore. I know that the only reason these thoughts even occur is just because I'm thinking far too much, and I'm neglecting to actually live. it's a rather selfish thing actually. All of my thoughts since I have been home have been about myself... How I feel,  how much I miss clemson, how others think of me now, how I think others think of me now. Dear readers, the list goes on. it's clearly too much thinking about myself. So much thinking about myself that I even forgot who I am (or at least thought so). It's kind of like when you think about a word too long, it becomes so foreign in your mind like you can't even grasp it. And since I've been unable to grasp my life now (so dramatic in my mind... dear goodness) I've definitely slacked from posting. Hopefully, that will change as I find little adventures around Baton Rouge and meet more beautiful people while I continue to nurture the many relationships I am already lucky to have here. I know I need to trust in the Lord to make this summer exactly what He wants it to be.

so here's to thinking about others instead of worrying about our own concerns and... to summer. it is my favorite season afterall.

jumping

“How does one become a butterfly?" she asked. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

one week left? no...

I'm going to miss seeing lake hartwell this summer. it's only a few months I know... 

Somehow I don't seem to grasp the urgency needed in regards to preparation for upcoming exams, a paper, and a final portfolio. I've tried multiple times, but after spending an insanely inhuman amount of time in the studio last week, I'm burnt out. I'm done. I can't concentrate, and consequently, I can't study worth a lick. Dearest readers, what will I do!? I'm lacking all motivation and all I want to do is stalk myself on facebook just so I can reminisce on this past year. How did it fly by so quickly!? I'm pretty sure all of my friends are tired of me getting all emotional talking about our last week of freshman year, but I just can't help it. This year has been the best of my entire life, and I'm so grateful for the opportunities and friends God has placed in my life. God sure knew what He was doing when He lead me to randomly apply to Clemson (of course He did... I always forget to trust and realize that His plan is 100% perfect). As I was riding in the bed of my friends truck today, I just looked up at the sky and let the wind blow through my hair. I felt completely intoxicated by life and it's grandness. It's crazy the blinders we place on ourselves sometimes. Then you stop to look at the big picture or even the small beautiful things like wind in your hair and just realize how narrowly focused we've been on something so insignificant. At the end of the day, we ultimately know in our souls that life is good, no matter where it has lead us. 

So goodbye freshman year, you've been awfully fun. You've given me many good things like good friends, independence, and a new defined work ethic (thank you studio). You've also given me a few not so good things like a few extra pounds, distance from my family, and a new found sense of partying. But ultimately, life is very very good. I will look back on you very fondly always. Thanks for continuing my journey of self-discovery but still helping me prepare myself for the future,  for giving me self-reliance but still teaching me the importance of trusting God and others, and for teaching me the importance of getting an education but not just a degree. It's been a hell of a run, and I wouldn't trade these memories for the world. 

So here's to changes.

because my life is so much better all because of one big change, the best decision of my life. and even though it's been hard at times, it's definitely been worth it. 

contemplation

I cannot say I have control of my mind.

My thoughts aimlessly wander

without a map, as they please

I wish I could gain control,

could wrangle the very thoughts 

that mark my existence.

Things change so suddenly,

yet only temporarily.

Such a small moment

can change a lifetime.

And then sink back into insignificance,

returning to be only that small moment,

yet still breaking boundaries of time.

it may reappear in our minds as a thought 

Back for a second wind to conquer 

And take a hold of our consciousness

These thoughts excite me

Pumping life through these veins

Thoughts of thoughts

That have yet to come.

Thoughts of a first year architecture student

welcome to lee hall dear readers

last night in studio I wrote a poem. I was stuck there anyway because of my project but the rain outside sealed the deal. I have to admit the quiet rustling of the trees against the window panes combined with the occasional loud clap of thunder, pitter patter of rain, and rain-themed songs (compliments of youtube) all made for a nice working environment. Anyway, here's that poem my friends. enjoy

People always ask...

where are you going

at all times of the day?

why does it seem like

you're always away?

The studio calls

my project awaits

drawings, sketches, drafts

and models to make

Planning for sleep?

oh, you're quite funny

you'll work through the night

all for no money

You know you'll be up

to watch the sunrise

Fourth year's always say,

"you'd get out if you were wise"

But you don't heed their warnings,

you keep with the daily grind

besides losing sleep

you might also lose your mind

Despite these complaints

I guess it's not too bad

just try to get out sometimes

or else you'll go mad

give your best and nothing less

cause doing what you've never done

will be the cause of your success

thoughts on decisions

"Trust yourself. If you do not, then you will forever be looking to others to prove your own merit to you, and you will never be satisfied. You will always be asking others what to do and at the same time resenting their help. Trust in yourself starts with being ok with the consequences of your decisions"

I was reminiscing back on big decisions I've made in my life and found one thing to be consistent. In each circumstance that I've been confronted with a large decision, I've sought out the help of others and placed a huge amount of significance on their opinion. But looking back on it, none of that matters. For instance, when deciding on which sorority I liked best (and even which college I liked best), I listened to so much of what other people had to say about the different reputations.  Doing so left me feeling as though I'd been dropped into the deep end of a very large pool and was doing summersaults underwater just trying to get to the surface to catch my breath. It was overwhelming. I felt uncomfortable going with my inner feelings and against the opinions of others, but I am so glad I trusted myself. So here's to trusting ourselves and the lord, because great things can happen when we do.

have a spectacular week my friends!

weird. feelin. time.

dear little monster inside myself,
please stop taking refuge in the back of my throat, the bottom of my stomach, or the inside of my heart. There simply is not room for you here. I don't feel like trying to get answers from you, so please just tell me your secrets and I'll leave you alone.
thank you.
sincerely,
your human

toy story clouds

“I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.”

C.S. Lewis

jumbles

I'd give you my heart

But I'm afraid to say

It isn't my heart

That you're looking for today.

You're lost and confused

Dazed but amused

Covered by blinders

That you don't know you use

So open your eyes

How you may ask?

Well this could be

A quite difficult task

Turn to our lord

The lover of your soul

He knows you more

He can fill that hole.

the importance of making a bed

http://www.askousa.com/laundry/xxl_laundry/

I did it. I finally did my laundry. After it started to pile up onto my desk and all over my room I figured it was time. Three loads later, I've finally managed to get it all done and picked up. 

As I was putting the sheets back on my bed, I thought about how this had been a ritual that I had learned and continued with since kindergarten. I remember my mom teaching me how to make my bed, and while it never was perfect or even daily, it was definitely important. So then I got to thinking about just how imperative making your bed is (and all chores really...gag who am I? haha).

I think that productivity stems from making your bed. There's something about mustering up the motivation to actually place your sheets in an orderly fashion that sets you up for success for the rest of your day. So I've set a goal for myself to try and make my bed everyday. 

I challenge you to try it as well, dearest readers. I promise you'll start your day off right and that motivation will carryout throughout your day. 

who knows, maybe doing something simple as making your bed will give you the momentum to do something you see as impossible.  

{like major in architecture...}

found some adventure!

I'd venture to say

that this made my day

when I stepped on the bank 

of Hartwell, the lake

thank goodness for my kayaking class. There's nothing quite as relaxing as paddling on the lake after a hard week of classes. While it might take me a bit to convince myself that this class is worth the time, I definitely don't regret it once I'm on the water. 

I'm so grateful that my parents let me explore this interest as an adventurous 4th grader. I know kayaking will be a hobby I'll have for life.

tuesday night dinners

hello thereeeee readers!

mmmm those beautiful clemson sunsets

Today is a beautiful day in Clemson, SC. However, I've managed to sleep for 4 hours today (missed 2 classes...yikes). Considering that's how much I sleep on an average night, I'd say I'm ahead of the game! I got yet another night sleep just by napping today. holllllllaaaaa

so today is tuesday, which means one thing: Catholic Dinner.

Tuesday night dinner is a parishioner-provided-home-cooked-dinner with all the college kids from my parish in the basement of my church. It's become quite the tradition among my friends and I, and I haven't missed one yet this semester. I look forward to it so much simply because I love that sense of belonging, and crave the home cooked food (sometimes the dining hall just doesnt cut it). The people there are pretty interesting as well. Let me introduce you to a few:

1. the grumpy old priest: this guy is the man. he pretends to be a real grouch and his famous line is "have a nice day...if you want to". He'll occasionally even tell people to have a terrible day. He is loved by all and really has a sense of humor that appeals to college students. He's a spectacular people person, often remembering everyone's name and making really personable conversations. Underneath that tough facade is a loving heart and guiding spirit perfect for his position as parish priest.

2. the newbie: Every Catholic dinner you can bet there's a newbie. this person just looks uncomfortable and is disoriented at first but will soon become acquainted with the at home atmosphere of these habitual dinners. Everyone was once a newbie, so most people try to make other's first catholic dinner experience a good one. I still remember my first catholic dinner when my friend Mike and I decided to venture out and give it a try. Even though it was a bit awkward and felt like we just stepped back into the 90s, I'd say it was most definitely worth it.

3. the non-catholic friends: These people can be seen from a mile away. when asked if they attend St. Andrew's, they'll often reply with "umm, I'm still looking for a church now." Their Catholic friends try to make them feel at home and comfortable, yet they still feel a bit awkward when the youth minister brings around a sign up form for the weekly newsletter. They especially feel strange when someone at the table speaks of vocations or other catholic traditions that seem so foreign to those that weren't raised Catholic. I may or may not be responsible for supplying many of these attendees. While a lot of my friends aren't catholic, I still invite them weekly and they manage to show up. I mean, who wouldn't turn down free food?

4. the "I just want free food" guy: this guy sticks out like a sore thumb. usually the first in line and the first to leave, he's just in it for the free food. and you can bet that if the food is sub par, he's bouncing out. I don't blame him, the dining hall can get old sometimes.

5. the graduate: these guys are in a very in-between period of their lives. while they might have just graduated, they still hang around campus like it's their job, which they wouldn't do if they had one. We love these people but are sometimes left wondering...how old are you?

6. the Catholic dinner veteran: this person  knows the ins and outs of catholic dinner like the back of their hand. They often bring in the newbies and Fr. Jack knows them by name. I'd like to think that I'd be considered a veteran at this point after being acquainted with most of the regulars at tuesday dinners and also bringing anyone and everyone out that might want to join us for dinner. these veterans call st. andrews home and help make everyone else want to do the same.

the note that my friend mike left at my desk

So, happy tuesday my friends! Hope it's been spectacular

.

craving adventure.

I really want to go camping right now. I wish it were warmer already. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

i love boys that dress cute and wear bow ties...

Caution dearest readers, I'm about to be brutally and embarrassingly honest...
I've never been in a serious relationship for Valentine's day or any day for that matter... It's not like I haven't had the opportunity to have a relationship, I just don't want one right now for some reason. Don't get me wrong now, I don't want to be a lonely cat woman (hahah my name is kat...) but then again I don't want to be wasting my time pining over a boy. I do want love. true, unrelenting, sacrificial love. Like every other girl out there, I dream of meeting someone that will fit me just right. after all my exploring, there is only one place where I find that love right now though. it's in Jesus. He will lead me to such a love someday, and wherever he goes, that's where I want to be.

just gotta give it all away.

so my thoughts on finding Mr. Right? well I'm just going to let God do the finding for me. Let go, let God. 

A drop in the ocean..

this song came on last night in the studio and made me feel like climbing a mountain. Props to my little sis, annie for getting me hooked on it.

Well, as shown by my lack of posts recently, this semester has already been one filled to the brim with lots of things. I've been so busy with architecture during the week and then even busier with homework and trying to balance a social life during the weekends. I can't believe I'm already on my second semester... what whatttttttt!?

Today it is 70 degrees and absolutely beautiful outside. Days like today make me LOVE clemson even more than I do (I know, hard to imagine). It seems like Clemson is either the most beautiful place in the world or it is terrible/cloudy/rainy. There seems to be no in between. But I think I'll take those rainy days in exchange for days like today. It makes me want to run down bowman field in a long skirt singing "the hills are alive" like Fraulein Maria from The Sound of Music. ahhhhh so beautiful.

Studio has been slowly killing me, and I'm only in my first semester of it! this is no good my friends, I need to toughen up or something! Hopefully, I'll get into the groove of things soon. I spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 hours in the studio yesterday...ridiculous! Right now, we are working on a project where we have to draft an object that has movement. Naturally, I chose a difficult object: a drawing compass. So now I'm left puzzled by this project and wondering if the whole semester is going to be like this... we shall see I suppose! 

In better news, Harcombe dining hall has stepped up their game. The meals have significantly improved this semester. The only complaint I have is the music. The emo-punk-rock-I'm-in-7th-grade-and-I'm-uncomfortable-with-myself  genre of music has got to go. I went to request something a tad lighter and pleasing to a larger crowd; however, the manager was busy talking with the sandwich ladies. So considering he was most likely giving them more pointers to make even more improvements, I quietly left the scene without speaking to him. no worries, I'll make my music request promptly if it doesn't change soon. I think he'll listen to me...I'm a valued customer. Actually, I think the dining hall might lose money on people like me because i'm there so much.......

I'm so excited right now. I have little to no homework this weekend (for the first time this semester), I'm listening to good music, I just got out of my last class for the day, and I have the whole weekend ahead of me.  Praise Jesus, life is so so so good. Now I'm off to pick out my outfit for tonight's festivities. Theme: 80s. Should be fun fun fun!

have a spectacular weekend, friends! 

I wish you all the happiness and adventures in the world!

“Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more. Be happy now and if you show through your actions that you love others, including those who are poorer than you, you’ll give them happiness, too. It doesn’t take much –it can be just giving a smile. The world would be a much better place if everyone smiled more. So smile, be cheerful, be joyous that God loves you.” -Bl. Mother Teresa of Calcutta

the history of art

I'm sitting in art history right now watching as my peers also neglect to pay attention and instead spend their time on facebook, email, pinterest, twitter, or youtube. The guy in front of me is currently watching videos of fights while the girl two seats down is using pinterest to plan even the most minute details of her future wedding. A few rows over, I can see a guy soundly sleeping as the rest of the class continues to waste away.

It really isn't their faults. The teacher turns down the lights, speaks in a very soft and soothing voice, and talks about the history of art. This isn't exactly the most stimulating of lessons. Therefore, we are all left gazing into cyberspace and finding boundless options to waste away our time with.

I find it utterly amazing that there are so many options for us to waste our time with. I wonder what kind of things we could achieve and what level of inner peace we might obtain if we didn't constantly have these distractions in our lives. It perplexes me that even Henry David Thoreau found his life filled with distractions even though he lived in such a simpler time. I long to sneak away into the woods and re-center myself like he did. To run away from the hectic everyday existence we carryout constantly. Who knows what would happen if we actually took the time to see.

Have a splendid day my friends, I wish you all the inner peace in the world! 

wow arch

Life is so busy these days. I've never in my life have experienced a workload like this. Studio takes so darn long, and this is only my first semester of a long long time of studio work. It's only gonna get harder...but I know that if God brought me to it, he'll bring me through it. This makes me extremely thankful for a multitude of things...

My family who always supports me (even from BR), my friends who listen to me complain about how much I have to do, my architecture friends who work along side me, and my God-given ability to complete these projects.

So much to do, but I know I'll get it done.

lesssgoo

where's waldo.

Sometimes it's so simple that we miss it completely.

 

School is starting. I oh no my classes are so hard. SAWdo I really have to go to studio.THE I'm getting fat. DEEP I eat too much. HOLE Do I have to buy all of these books.I  I just want to hang out and not go to classes. WAS Where is all of my money going.BURYING who will I invite to formal. MYSELFI don't think anyone likes me. IN why do I exist.

And immediately I knew that I had to quickly create an evacuation plan. 

As shown by my lack of posts lately, I went through a bit of a glum time. All of this negativity swarmed my life and all I could think about were my own problems and how I felt so different, so joyless. I tried to jump out of the hole by questioning my sadness and trying as hard as I could to find joy. You see, dearest readers, I focused so much on my problems (lack of joy) that I completely neglected to find the actual joy in my life. 

Finally when I couldn't reach the light at the end of the tunnel, I gave in and felt so hopeless. My mind tricked me into thinking that my life sucked and that I would never like clemson the same again along with other awful lies. I worried and felt insecure about every move I made. Anxiety filled my entire being until it hit me like a ton of bricks. BAM. I'd forgotten the order of things. 

I was so focused on all the bad things (that actually weren't that bad...just me being a drama mamma) that I consumed myself with these negative thoughts. I was holding on so tight to all of this negativity that I couldn't let any joy in. It was such a selfish thing. I was putting myself and my pointless problems first over all others in my life. All this sadness simply stemmed from me being so darn selfish. 

Joy is about putting others first

Jesus Others Yourself

so I set myself up to a challenge. I began praying even though it brought me little comfort. Then I began putting others before me simply by thinking about them. cheesy as it sounds, it actually worked. in no time I was back to loving life and loving clemson. (wow I'm such a cheeseball! hahaha) 

so dearest readers, I'd just like to share that tip with you today! Focus on Jesus and Others and You will automatically feel more satisfied and happier. Don't let the little monster bring you down in your own selfishness. conquer the monster and free your insides from it's captivity.

have a stellar rest of the week!