studio thoughts, my drug of choice

I can't get out of my mind

but then was I ever even here

what is the purpose of life

why do so many people die with others

yet die so alone.

who am I to say

that my mother loves me more than yours does 

or his or hers or theirs.

why do we care about 

the things that don't matter.

why do we place such a big

emphasis.

on things that are unimportant?

have we forgotten

what the purpose of life is?

I can't find it

can't get it out of my mind.

I thought I saw a glimpse of something

but I suppose curiousity did kill the Kat in the end

didn't it?

today has been a day of many thoughts. what is our purpose? why are we placed here? I've come to learn that the world is selfish and sometimes we get caught up in all of that and start to think that we are more important than others. This hurts my heart dearest readers. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else on this planet? We deserve nothing. So many people in this world suffer, how many because of me?

so today, dearest friends, let's challenge eachother to love. to just selflessly give to others and go out of our way to make every person we encounter feel important. cause i think that's the only thing that actually matters. but i'm still trying to figure that out.

late night studio thoughts on flaws

.the flaws.the imperfections.

today in architecture class, we had a discussion regarding craft and manufacture. handmade vs. machinery. imperfect, unique and individualized work vs. nearly perfect machine produced work. what is the difference? 

it got me thinking about life.

the imperfections

the flaws

A good friend once told me that the world was beautiful because it was flawed.

at first glance, it appears as such a seemingly backwards statement because of our continual efforts to reach perfection. 

but maybe it is those flaws, those imperfections that make life beautiful. those moments of weakness, those moments when we feel totally alone, those moments when we feel as though nothing is going our way. 

because that's all we get out of life, and those imperfections are ours to keep, ours to claim and hold dear. No one can take away those from us. Those imperfections make us who we are, just as it makes the handmade craft hold more meaning and individuality. 

then I thought of how imperfect a puzzle piece is on its own, yet how perfect it is when placed within the bigger picture. maybe this too applies to our own lives. When looked at alone, each moment in our lives is nothing but a jagged puzzle piece, nothing but imperfect. but when looking at the bigger picture, it combines with other experiences to make total sense. And maybe that's just all we get out of life. small puzzle pieces that we won't understand until we are reflecting back as we sway through old age in a rocking chair. 

...just a few thoughts as I make less than perfect models at 1:28 AM 

peace vs. comfort

I was recently thinking about peace and comfort. Both physically feel the same, but spout from very different circumstances. Peace is knowing that everything is settled, exactly how it is supposed to be. The whole world is at ease and it seems as though everything is just right. Comfort feels settling simply because it is known, familiar. Like peace, you are at ease in comfort, but comfort chokes our ability to grow, learn, and ultimately reach the true inner peace that comes with acknowledging and completing God's will. 

all my friends (and really anyone that talks to me) must really hate me right now. All I've been thinking about, talking about, and obsessing over is architecture. It's causing me to worry so much and causing me to ask myself so many questions. Do I want to be an architect? Why the heck did I choose this major? Is all of this work worth it? I'm absolutely sure many people have stumbled across these same questions. let's face it, architecture is a lot harder than I could have anticipated. And it's only the beginning of my sophomore year. 

I realize that I have a choice here, stay in architecture and suck it up, or change out and be a quitter. I find myself asking countless people if I should stay in architecture, just hoping they'd tell me that it was ok to change majors, that it wasn't quitting. I guess that's just what I'm looking for from God, my family, friends, anyone. It'd be so much easier if someone just told me "no kat, you aren't meant to make 25 models of folded paper until 3 in the morning." But it's not that easy. It's never that easy. And maybe that's why I need to stay in architecture, because it's not easy for a reason.

I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through this architecture education and honestly I've never seen myself as an architect. But then again, countless people before me made it out alright I guess. And shouldn't I trust that God put me here for a reason? Is even considering changing majors wrong? I should quiet the little monster that is screaming in my ear telling me that all this hard work will lead to unhappiness... But is that little monster screaming because the hard work isn't worth it, or because he's suddenly uncomfortable in this difficult environment? And that dear readers, takes time and discernment. 

So now I'm off to think and pray more, to search for that inner peace that comes from knowing that I'm really doing Gods will. but for the present moment I have a few models to do for tomorrow. 

I just don't have any motivation to do it. 

I literally can't bring myself to it.

laziness? or unhappiness?

whatever the case, I still have a ton of work to do.

ohhhh lordy.

tiger town bound in the morning

This summer has been just what I needed, and while leaving home is surprisingly just as bittersweet as leaving clemson, I'm so thankful that I am fortunate to live in two places that are both hard to leave. 

Leaving my family is almost harder this time around since we've grown so close, but I'm excited to be back at Clemson for this next exciting semester.

Until we meet again Baton Rouge, this summer has been real. 

time to get back to clemson! 

mhm

times are far too complicated these days.

be bold. be daring. be confident. 

favorite little brother {reaux bear}

Isn't my little brother just the cutest? 

facebook rehab

I'm ridiculous.

On this day, August 2, 2012, I deactivated my facebook. It isn't forever, but it's definitely for a little while. I needed a break. I am too dependent on it and need a little bit of a challenge anyway. Facebook has become more than addiction, it's become a dictator in my world. It's almost as if I've become it's slave without even knowing it. 

I once heard that if you put a frog into boiling hot water, he'll jump out immediately. However, if you put him in before it's hot and then slowly heat it to a boil, he'll stay in and end up dying from the heat. I think that it isn't too far off to compare facebook (or anything that gets in the way with our lives) to this. At first I didn't waste vast amounts of time on it. I barely used it. Then it slowly slowly slowly became a huge problem. and that's where I'm at today.

 I realized it was getting in the way of real life since I checked it at least 20 times a day. (only exaggerating a little there, it's bad). That's just pitiful dear readers, I know. I have too many distractions in my life and need to make room for some silence anyway. I'm ready to make peace with the present moment and open myself to new experiences. Dramatic, for sure, but it really has become a problem. So I'm acknowledging this and taking the steps to cure this unnecessary reliance to technology. When I finally did the deed I felt such inner peace. like crazy peace. peace that beauty queens everywhere seek for the world. More than just logging out, I was completely unconnected. I felt free, I felt like a modern day henry david thoreau, and more than anything I felt like a champ.

call me crazy, but I just don't want to waste all that time anymore. 

So I bid you adieu Facebook, I'll be back eventually

but for now, dearest friends, you'll just have to call me, beep me if ya wanna reach me

-kp  

the day I tried out for american idol

My family and I started watching American Idol when my mom went on bed rest before having my sweet youngest sister, ella. (She was on bed rest for like 4 months...late in life child probs...). It was one of the only family activities we could do since mom was bedridden. That season of American Idol, season 7, was when I decided to add "trying out for american idol" to my bucket list. I've always been a lofty dreamer. I never thought it'd actually happen, but I put it on there anyway. I mean how cool would that be??

So of course when my friend Kelsie found out that idol was coming to New Orleans, she said she would make me try out. I complacently agreed but still thought it'd actually never happen. 

We found ourselves travelling to New Orleans about a month later. After getting the arm bands and tickets, all of a sudden it hit me... it was really happening. We kept having bursts of excitement just thinking about it.

the next night we got a hotel and went out to eat on bourbon street. It was (handsdown) the BEST food I've ever eaten. shrimp, grits, fried green tomatoes. pulling out allll the stops

As we were coming back into the hotel, a man on the elevator asked about my red armband. So I reluctantly  told him I was trying out for American Idol. I knew what was coming next...  he asked me to sing for him. Figuring it'd be good practice for the next day, I agreed. After singing the first verse and chorus to "don't know why" by norah jones, he asked for my name and gave me his card (he was a lutheran reverend) and excitedly left thinking he'd met the next american idol. He promised prayers coming my way and I was grateful for having run into him. I mean hey, we can never have too many prayers!

After being giddy with excitement after getting my first fan (besides kelsie, katelyn, amy, blair, and our families of course) we fell asleep. but not for long. we woke up at approximately 3:45 AM and got ready to go. After getting in line at the crack of dawn, we waited. and waited. and waited.

 I overheard one woman on the phone saying "there has to be at least a million people here"... but I'm pretty sure there was only somewhere barely north of a thousand. It's amazing what camera angles can do. Seeing the real life event and the TV version of the same event really opened my eyes to show biz. We were informed when to scream/cheer/dance, and people were kicked out the crowd if they weren't enthusiastic enough. The whole time I was thinking, if people don't wanna cheer for Ryan Seacrest, he just must not be that cool... why do we have to be told to get excited? (sidenote-- ryan seacrest really is a tiny man, but he seems pretty nice). It was sort of like finding out your childhood hero was just a fictional character. Sort of a letdown.

so close I could touch him... by the way that is a very short woman

The strange people there almost made up for this let down though. Dearest readers, I could tell you about all of the crazies I saw at such a place, but I'm afraid I don't have all the time in the world. Such a strange group of people there (I guess I'm included in that group...) But I must tell you of a few of the notable characters.
However before I begin to try describing these interesting people, I must first describe the typical person at the tryout. Almost every person there had traveled far to finally fulfill their destiny and hit the stardom they were certainly born for. You could have talked to pretty much anyone there and been convinced you'd met the NEXT AMERICAN IDOL! this was serious business, people. And if you had the opportunity to talk to their fans (mom? dad?), you'd most certainly know just how talented that person was.

Too cool for school. The first odd bird we encountered was a super cool guy. he was wearing sunglasses at 5 am. The sun wasn't out yet, but it'd be far too mainstream to not wear his sunglasses right? hmmmm. Him and his male companion were playing guitar and sitting indian style in the middle of the crowd. If you had looked at them, you would have thought they were jamming loudly, but you couldn't even hear them at all. Maybe singing loudly was far too mainstream as well. who knows.
Sargent Loudmouth. The next source of entertainment (or frustration) came from an obnoxious man dressed in an army uniform. Contrary to what you see on tv, the crowd outside of american idol is actually  very quiet (besides the low hum of people practicing their songs). But this guy was nothing but quiet, he yelled and put in his two sense for everything. Definitely memorable. especially at such an early hour.
Voodoo Woman. As we were walking into the New Orleans arena (finally!!) I heard a daaaa da da daaa da da daaa coming from what sounded like a tribal drum. Sure enough, right in the middle of the crowd was a woman dressed in strange clothes wearing a big headdress. She was surrounded by her band of drummers and had a huge snake (not the friendly kind..) and was dancing with the snake. This might have been one of the strangest things I've seen in a while. However, I definitely didn't want to let on to that for fear of being put under some sort of voodoo spell.
Don't Forget the lyrics. This one poor guy completely forgot the words to his song. He was completely awkward and shy, and I can just see someone telling him he was a good singer for the sole purpose of humiliating him. However, he believed it, and he was there trying out his luck on idol. The judges sent him through for the cruel purpose of making fun of him. this just hurt my heart.
Shake your booty gurl. This girl was not afraid to shake what her momma gave her. She proudly danced her little heart out and shook what she owned basically in the faces of the judges. Of course she made it through as well
Tiger man. This man's whole face was a tiger. he even had pointed ears and whiskers and such. 'nuff said.
The next destiny's child. I encountered this particular group of girls right before I was called up to sing. The only reason I noticed them was because they let me go ahead of them, just so they could be together in line. It was interesting though because they had all just met each other that morning, but they were now all bff's. They all sang songs with lots of emotion and lots of ooooOOOoooOOOohhhh yeaaaaahhhhh's while the other three swayed in the background. When they all four got denied, they huddled together for support and stood strong as they saw their dreams fade away. At least they had each other, right?

me and the twins awaiting tryouts

When it was finally my turn to get called up to the judges, I tried my hardest to make eye contact and work some charm on them. I had been listening to the other singers all morning, I couldn't hold a candle to many of them so I knew I had to bank on my personality. After singing, they told me "Not this year, but keep singing cause you have a unique voice. You just need to practice singing in front of people" Which makes sense... since i've actually never really done that. (unless you count family jam sessions?)
I walked away smiling. I did so partly because I had a peaceful feeling of accomplishment (I had just crossed off a major item off my bucket list!!) but also because the camera man was filming me and I wanted to be shown on TV as the "Well many dreams were made today here at American Idol, but many weren't so lucky que dramatic music" part of the show. my fifteen seconds of fame!!! or less... hey it's better than none.
But anyway, I was smiling not only because I had just done a pretty courageous thing that I've wanted to do for a while, but I also had a ton of fun.
At the beginning of the day Ryan Seacret told us, "there are no losers in idol". I believe this is true not only for idol but for life. While there were certainly a large number of weirdos (including myself) in that crowd, everyone has something to bring to the table. As my friend says all the time, "There's something beautiful about every single person." Cheesy, but definitely true. And I have to say a whole arena filled with courageous people taking a chance on their dreams is not only entertaining (as seen above), but it's actually pretty beautiful.
I'm so thankful my friends pushed me to try out. hey I might have met THE NEXT {dramatic pause}AMERICAN IDOL
fingers crossed

being content in not knowing

funny how we all have a plan for our lives, even as young children

So much of life is an unknown. Right now in my life I feel like the fact that there are unknowns is much more concrete than anything that is actually known. (if that even makes sense) This is invigorating but at times can also come as a struggle. Where am I going with my life? What is God's will for me? 

I wouldn't bet your bottom dollar on solid answers to those questions dear readers, simply because they don't exist yet. That's the thing about unknowns. It's the split moment before the pitcher releases that baseball and you can feel the potential at its peak. It's that time when there are more possibilities than you can count. Literally anything can happen. But if you get excited and swing at just any ball that comes your way, you risk ruining that very potential, wasting it. On the other hand, if you wait out too long, you'll just miss out on every single possibility given to you. So now, will we settle for what is convenient? for what is right now? or will we hold out, endure a little suffering on the front end and break into that untapped potential of our unknowns? I think it's ultimately about trusting God's timing, and not our own. This, dear readers, is why I am content with the unknowns for now at least. Maybe God doesn't want us to know right now, I guess that's what faith is. that's pretty hard. really hard.

God probably looks down on me (and all of humanity) and just shakes his head and thinks goodness, why does it take them so long to figure these things out? don't they know I've got it under control!? 

we are such a foolish species. and to think of all the people that said this exact same thing countless times before me. 

sometimes, it amazes me to think about just how small we actually are.

that's exactly why we've just got to let go and trust the man with the plan

bear with these thoughts for a moment

Today was stressful. I've been working on the website for the company and nothing seemed to go right. Then we got bunches of mail to sort through, the scanner wouldn't work, and the paper kept jamming in the copier. These all seem so small, but combined it just made for one of those days (plus it didn't help that I had a headache). The day continued with regular monotony as I got home and prepared dinner. Later that night Ella came screaming/crying holding her hands out towards me. I cradled her in my arms and tried to comfort her. After she calmed down a bit I asked, "Ella what's bothering you?" In between muffled sobs she finally said "Mommy won't let me play with the ipad"... wait what? This four year old child, my own sister, was violently crying about not being able to play around with an ipad? This just disappoints me and goes further to support the theory of humanity's addiction to technology. It made me contemplate the idea of being content. Ella lacked contentment because she was denied the ipad. While this is common for a four year old to get upset about being denied a toy, it made me think. What does it take to find peace with what we are, what we have, even what we are doing at the present moment? I just don't understand. Where do we find contentment? Why do we feel the need to text while we drive rather than simply be content with driving? Why do we feel the need to be constantly stimulated? Why must there always be action? why can't we find peace with sitting in silence and taking in the present situation just as it is? 

This brings me back to this previous post, and makes me wonder if we will ever simply be content with our lives without all the bells, whistles, thrills, and frills. (bear with me a bit longer dear readers, these thoughts make me go on rants)

Even at lunch today, I experienced something of this sort. I felt ravenous before lunch. I scarfed down my red beans and rice and sausage as soon as I got it. I finished and still felt hungry. I kept eating. But if I had stopped and been content with the serving of red beans and rice, I would have noticed that I actually was not hungry anymore. Maybe this hunger goes deeper, dearest readers. Maybe this hunger is actually an inner calling for us to reach out and find who we were meant to be by alternatively being content with who we are in the moment. 

And I'm afraid I only know one way to satisfy this hunger, this lack of contentment. Scratch that, I'm excited not afraid. Because life is so much more, and when you notice that, there's no way you couldn't be content.

i mean how do we (myself included) not find contentment with this grand adventure we call life??

so dear friends, 

lets challenge each other to satisfy that hunger

and quench the thirst.